FED UP!;
i hate seeing your face in my life.
eugh.

:(

i need for my hair to grow :)
& at this point. i'm on the verge of giving up growing out my bangs.
but i knew i regretted cutting it last time i did.
what shall i do?
TRIM!
lol, after i finish my hwrk.
which consists of signing 2 papers. -_-
& yet ... i'm procrastinating.

Senior

First Day Of School Was Cool (:
it's going to be one heck of a fun long year.

dear yu,

04/19/08 --------to-------- 03/20/2010

i'm technically unsure of what happened this summer, but i just want you to know that we're still here. jo & i both still constantly check up on you even though the only possible ways seems like it's through your tumblr. we've drifted due to time & space, along with our busy schedules. i know you need your breathing space and time to grow and think; & there's nothing wrong with that. nothing has been lost. it's the last day of summer right now i have hope that things wouldn't drift any further, c'mon it's our senior year <3

Freshman Year ;P


the day we cut school; b/c we were screwed with our unfinished hwrk.

& felt so dead after knocking out at joanna's house.

i risked my grade for A period P.E. for missing that attendance. LOL

always. <3

hmph

everytime i blog something, i end up staying awake an hour later. so since i feel like it, i wanna post my schedule (: but it's still quite not finished.

AP CALC AB - Nguyen
COMM ART - Marston
(trying to get AP ENG LIT) - HARRIS <---
LEADERSHIP - Dellefield
CHEMISTRY - Piccillo
ECONOMICS - Moreno

i am happy & excited :)

anonymous blog.

i read something that made me tear up. & smile. i didn't know, but now i do.

it's a surprise, i hope a good one

happy birthday mom.

i can't for you to see what dad got you (: he definitely knows you're worth A LOT! he told me that you were the best wife and mom in the world, & i know he's right.

but this is my present to you. you once told me that the lotus flower is your favorite flower. and i understand why, it grows in the murkiest waters, this root - blooms to have the most elegant layers of petals that just glows & completely illuminates the ponds. i have given this drawing 100%of my time & lovin. you deserve the best. i'm not saying that you're the best mom in the world JUST because you're MY mom; but it's what i really know. you are incredibly the most understanding and patient woman in the world. the strong idol i love to look up to. i learn so much from you; to just speak up for what i know is right, to not give a damn about what others think about me. you are the strongest support system that has ever been a part of my life and will remain the sturdiest for the rest of my life. taught me to be independent, caring and carefree. i have learned my manners well <3>

current.

someone you love tells you one thing,
but you're not sure if it's the right thing.
& so does that make it a decision you have to choose. if both things will still be there if you change your mind? what if the thing told not to do was something you wanted to do but that person is hardly ever wrong. or so you think.
should i or shouldn't i.

well, ain't that cute

it's just i want to find a stranger that won't judge me and that i would just love to spill my emotions to. but i can't. that's why i have a diary that i have been neglecting for the past week. and a blog that i just either don't have the time for or the will to just sit down and .. well, blog.

fundraising.

The carwash fundraiser couldn't have gone any better <3 Everytime we have a fundraiser, I always go a little crazy. Texting my officers nonstop making sure that they get things the way I want. But I do have to start learning to trust that they won't let me down & to stop expecting so much. A perfectionist is who I am & I see nothing wrong with that. ;X Maybe I do yell a lot during fundraisers, lol. I turn to a madwoman. But i hope nobody takes it personally. -_-

SUGARDADDY

Perverted Rats.

Fuck You.

waking up, excited to get prettied up. to do something that'll make me feel happy about stepping out into the outdoors where differences makes one beautiful. but wait. i have restrictions:

i can't wear my favorite shorts that i got on sale because of them.
i have to throw those v-necks back into the dryer because they're getting too loose & showy.
i should let low my bangs to hide my face from them.
i think boots will catch too much unneeded attention.
i know tying my hair will look less attracting.
an oversized tshirt will do, some flats are decent, i can do sweatpants, tie up my hair, throw on a hoodie, and i must not forget my earphones.
ALL BECAUSE OF YOU,
fucking perverted rats.

i hate your whistling, your hollering. those stares that just follows me. i know you know i notice, and you like it. but i don't but to you, that doesn't matter. you roam the streets, looking for eyecandy, licking your lips like it's a game. like i'm a product. i don't even dare want to know what's going on in that digusting mind of yours.

sometimes i notice you from a block away, preparing to block out the noise that is supposedly to catch my attention. and sometimes you're in the car usually filled with another one of those people like you, driving up from behind, then driving fucking slow as you stick your head out the window to look back.

this happens everyday and i thought i could ignore it. but as often as it comes, it doesn't go away. every demeaning incident builds up until i feel so angry i don't know how to react. well it's piled up pretty high right now.

i don't fucking have a barcode on my body. you can't buy me, don't even check me out. i'm hella damn younger than you, get a damn life. you're all fucking pitiful. it's not even funny, does it even make you feel good about yourself? the shame and disgust i have is undefinable with words, only with emotions that will hopefully not build up inside of me.

i swear one day, i will do something about it. one day.

Chicken Soup For My Soul

at this point in time in my life through all the shit i have to do or think i have to do; i need to forget everything and everyone for just one day. i know it's called self healing and that's just what i'm going to do, want to do, will fight to do. society has evolved a new definition with every generation. and this generation is entirely engulfed in technology:

convenient touchscreens, dependent music, social networking, online consumerism, & more. i'm guilty.

it's hard for me, a young woman. a southeast mixed asian. living in oakland. it's hard for everyone like me. strived & struggling. always looking, sometimes finding. it's a pain being afraid to walk the streets I have been living on for 17 years. it's numbing to hear the constant disrespectful, shameful hollerings, whistlings, stares that just cause my blood to boil in anger. i just want to get away and really breathe.

i need a day with no phone, no music. no internet. no thomas, no friends, no family. just me.

space is so important to me and i don't know why i feel like i have to struggle and fight for it. for myself! wtf. and yet you tell me that you're sick of my wanting space kind of shit. this summer was filled with a lot of learning and well, i don't even know if i've changed or not. when i stress, i get mad and i don't give a damn; i hoped you learned. many things in my past have shaped the way i deal with things, see things, and accept things. it's hard for me because i really do have that 'i don't care about anything' attitude.

right now at this moment, i'm sick of social networking. i really do miss really hanging out with friends to get to know them and writing handwritten letters (cheesy but true). i don't want to rely on facebook to keep in contact with my friends, or to know what in the world everyone has been up to. i really don't. but that's the way things tend to go. i should just start by worrying about things only worth worrying about.

i just want to be alone sometime. more often recently.

my day

was spent with joanna lu. went to lakeshore & hungout. (: got free jamba juices - hookups! LOL. back home, finished so much & i feel much better. I want to stay home more. & hm, well i love joanna (: & watching CSI, taha. too much of a homebound adventure to put into words. except that i got like 2 shoes for $1, how damn awesome is that. & thanks joanna for putting up with my complicatedness. only people i love understands how complicated i can be.

Snowball

He's been a part of my life through the the thinnest and thickest parts of my life. I've brought him home when he was only 2weeks. I raised him & he watched me grow up. From 5th grade to summer of 10th. He left me when the hardest times of my struggles ended, it's like he knew, he knew he had to stay strong for me when I was fighting. & when i won, he was gone. He never complained, & no matter how much I yelled at him for peeing at the wrong places, he always came to me when I called him. Everynight, he could just cuddle by my feet. & the nights where he'd be at his bed in the living room, I'll wake up in the middle of the night & disturb him so that he can be with me in my room. He listened to everything I asked of him, when i was scared walking, he barked at the people I told him to bark at. When I told him to come into my room, he would. When I put my bag on the floor, he jumped into it. I just regret all the times I hit him or yelled at him just because he peed on something that he wasn't supposed to. Snowball was there for me for 7 years & he died in my arms. It was the most painfully emotional thing I have ever done.

& over the times, I've been asked if I wanted another puppy. I always said yes, but i admitted to not being to love another dog ever again. I tried & I couldn't. My family couldn't even do it.

until today, a new member into our family. Her name is Kisses. & she's the sweetest thing just by the looks of it. She's the size of my feet. So if you're a size bigger than 7 1/2, you're feet is bigger than her. I was playing with her just now, & it just made me tear up because I miss Snowball so much.



People may think he was just a dog, but he was always there for me, never disobeyed me, stuck by me. & if nobody wants something or someone like that, then you're just confused.

the kind of flawless i wish i could be

until i reach the point in time where i can love myself for everything i am

Puppy.

my new puppy is the cutest thing in the world. she looks like snowball - my baby that i can never replace. i shall put my training skills to work, after all it has been successful on thomas, he's so loyal & obedient <3 Lol, jks. Kinda.

Meet Kisses.


Rest In Doggy Heaven Snowball <3 you were my 1st love, tehe. I just wish you could meet Thomas (: You'll get along with him because you both smell.

Ants.

fuckyou

STP

STP, i can't & won't put into full details or words. Because I can't. It was just more than amazing, one of the best decisions i've made. It has made me more aware that the world has a lot of changing to do. It has made me realize struggles. It has definitely moved me in a way I can't describe.

random pictures ish

In celebration of being able to handle me for 9 months, he took the initiative and planned the date, for the FIRST time. Lol, went to SF. Japantown, sadly, i forgot my pikapika giftcard, so next time. But we checked out all the shops & he was anxious to buy me things, but i didn't want anything. Except a butterfly clip, lol. I love it. the littlest things. That took a while because we were just taking our time with everything. Walked through the civic center, it was nice. Then at Powell, got some Carls Jr, my 1st time. Theyre really good, like a 5 star fast food burger place, lol. & walked to the Metrion where we took in the interesting things. & ate our lunch by the waterfall. Stupid punk didn't let me feed the pigeon. >:( Hm, then sat at the park with a huge slide & like a million kids. I DO NOT WANT KIDS. Hahha. It was just such a fun & relazing good day <3 had dessert back at chinatown. I wished I had a digital camera so i really could take more interesting fun pictures.

I went White Water Rafting with my cousins and this was taken when we went on this rapid called Trouble Maker, it was like going down a water fall. & we all were holding on for dear life or else we would've hit some gigantic boulders. I would LOVE to do this again.

Thomas was wondering why was I on facebook & not texting him, so i decided to be annoying & spammed the crap out of him. That kept him from texting me for a while. Lol, so he just called me to tell me to stop texting him & I just love being annoying to him because he's so patient with me. Or sometimes we just get in a fist fight & end up wrestling, w/ me being the winner all the time. He surrenders.

I went to visit my cousin @ her new house in Concord, which is awesome that she lives so much closer to me now. Well, the 3 of us reunited & went to eat Sushi for dinner. It had a unique menu but the food portions were too small compared to Kai's & Sushi House. But anyway, they had a Love Roll & it was too cute (:

my schedule

is too damned busy that i'm going insane. i wish i had a car, so i can do more things in the less amount of time as possible. i thought entering summer, i would get all the time for myself that i needed. but actually, it's no different than school. fuck this shit. ughhhhhhhh.
scholarships.
family tahoe.
family yosemite.
hangout w/ april & wrap her gift.
aypal aypal aypal! -_-
stp retreat.
thomas.
calculus hw.
officer meetings.
hangout with jo.
hangout with cousins.
yard sale.
clean-up my room & the living room.
prom stuff.
car wash.
back to school.
registration + jamba juice.
i guess it doesn't sound that bad, but it's a lot. especially with everything all spreaded out & my bad habits. but, i've done it before, i can do it again.

its like,

I have a whole new crush on the boy i love.
getting space really does work, spending time with my family & friends, makes me miss him even more. win-win situation (:

One huge thing

one thing i learned while watching tv:
there's a thin line between wounds & words.

as a teenager, i know that we all say shit about other people on facebook, blogs, through texing & with rumors. yeas, it hurts. & yet everyone does it. i never thought necessary about starting drama over the internet, but after watching "If You Really Knew Me..." on MTV, it really hit me on how big of a deal it is. i cried so much watching that show because teenagers ARE the meanest things on earth, hahs.

well, some will consider it but some would keep doing it.
because it makes them feel good.
for me, it's not something i would ever do.
& if i did do it before, which i'm pretty sure i did, i've stopped.

late night calls for a rude awakening

i went white water rafting with my cousins @ 5am sunday. & it was one of the most amazing scariest things i have ever done. i've been spending quite a time with family lately and it only makes me love them more & have come to realize that they really do define who i am, the person that i am. & even if others have their judgements about the type of person i am either by the way i look dress or even the people i hang out with, the people who really know the kind of person i am will be my lifetime company.

& i remember saturday for being so mad at my mom for going missing all day. she left a note that she went hiking and i loved that she was having fun. but i missed her, & because she wasn't home, i got mad. so, i spent the day with the boys i love. my brother wokeup and made porridge & spam. not long after, thomas came over & made eggs. <3 well, thomas left. then my dad came home. he asked me what was i watching on tv & before i could tell him, my phone rang. & Sarn Saechao was on the caller ID (only to tell me that i got accepted into STP) but i think my dad probably thought of something else & walked out with a mad sigh.
i don't understand what goes on in his mind & it worries me.
i asked him where was he going after i heard him shuffling with his keys & shoes. he said, "I'm running away" my first thought ... WTF. i asked him why. he said because my mom was full of bullshit & something something, i forgot.
thoughts spiraled in my mind as i heard my dad start his car & drive out the driveway. with every perfect family, there's imperfection. everyone that knows me, thinks that i have the perfect family. & well, though i have a better family life than most people, it's not perfect. my parents are 2 human beings, that have their differences that makes a big difference.

my mom is completely attached with our lives, my dad, not so much.
my mom pays attention to our personalities, my dad pays attention to our report cards.
my mom tenders her time with family, my dad tends to his friends.
my mom doesn't smoke or drink, my dad does.
i love my mom, i love my dad equally.
my mom cares, my dad cares just as much.
my mom is strong, my dad is strong. they made me strong.
my mom has taught me a lot, my dad has taught me just as much.
my parents have this effect on me that nobody else in the world could, thinking about how much i love them makes me cry because it's hard for me to express it to them.

well, my mom didn't come home that day from her hike & i got mad. so i took my brother & we were about to bus to grandma's house for dinner but my grandpa picked us up. my mom met us there later on, i lectured her on how she came back so late but i knew she deserved to have space off too.
& my dad? he came home around midnight so drunk that my mom didn't know where her car was.

sometimes, i feel like i worry about them too much for my own good.

but i'm just sitting here in the discomfort of my living room @ 4:30 in the morning because i just don't feel sleepy & doubt i could fall asleep.
& so i would write one more blog before heading to sleep.

So ready for senior year.

really?
fuck this shit.
cause shit is shit.
drama is drama.

& drama is shit.

*just finished planning out in detail for the officer meeting. it's because i love them & my class as a whole, that i'm dedicating all this time to. & without my officers, i really wouldn't be able to accomplish anything. sigh, i'm excited to see them.