Tuesday, March 1, 2011
first day of march
with every passing day, i can't wait to get out of high school even more. i'm getting tired with the usual routine of going to the same classes with the same classwork and the same lectures. then comes lunch and even that part of which used to be like a breather to me, is now just as suffocating as everything else. and it's not only that. i'm such a downer with everything, but i feel quite unfathomed with everything that's happening right now. i'm over this. i can't wait for a "new" start.
i guess everyone says senior year is supposedly the funnest year of high school, and the most chill. gee, the only thing i've been feeling is negative, down, and lazy - partly stressed due to not completing things on time. all my fault and all the complaining pointed towards myself. but i don't know, i looked through old pictures, and i fucking missed those days. even ones dated back to my eighth grade years. i suppose at first i thought it was the whole being in a relationship syndrome, but it was not. actually, i have been anything but talking to thomas for like the past month. i told him i needed the space to do what I needed and he gave it to me. so today when we were talking at his house, i asked him what's wrong, and everything started to get emotional .. we don't see each other in the morning and when comes 2nd period, i don't even want to talk to him, in 3rd period, we sit next to eachother but i just do my work, & passing period, we just walk our separate ways. & afterschool, i go home or work & he goes to 1 of his 3 sports. i do miss him dearly. but it hasn't been our relationship that has been making me have a negative view on school now. in fact, it's anything but.
& i do miss my friends. i see them, but we don't talk. it's kind of a given now. or maybe it's just me. but if anything, it's small talk & i mean, literally, like 2 minutes long or something.
so with that said, that's the reason why i'm so dispassionate about doing something for my birthday this year. last year, we were like one big family. this year, we all broke up with each other or something. i wanted to do something like last week, thought about either doing another bash at boomers cause i know how silly they all can get, either that or we could have slumbered it up at a hotel party. one of those two. but i think it would be stressless and easier to just not do anything for 18th? i don't knowww.
i guess it's like i'm not sad or anything, but i remember how it is to be happy, and i have to remember.
i guess everyone says senior year is supposedly the funnest year of high school, and the most chill. gee, the only thing i've been feeling is negative, down, and lazy - partly stressed due to not completing things on time. all my fault and all the complaining pointed towards myself. but i don't know, i looked through old pictures, and i fucking missed those days. even ones dated back to my eighth grade years. i suppose at first i thought it was the whole being in a relationship syndrome, but it was not. actually, i have been anything but talking to thomas for like the past month. i told him i needed the space to do what I needed and he gave it to me. so today when we were talking at his house, i asked him what's wrong, and everything started to get emotional .. we don't see each other in the morning and when comes 2nd period, i don't even want to talk to him, in 3rd period, we sit next to eachother but i just do my work, & passing period, we just walk our separate ways. & afterschool, i go home or work & he goes to 1 of his 3 sports. i do miss him dearly. but it hasn't been our relationship that has been making me have a negative view on school now. in fact, it's anything but.& i do miss my friends. i see them, but we don't talk. it's kind of a given now. or maybe it's just me. but if anything, it's small talk & i mean, literally, like 2 minutes long or something.
so with that said, that's the reason why i'm so dispassionate about doing something for my birthday this year. last year, we were like one big family. this year, we all broke up with each other or something. i wanted to do something like last week, thought about either doing another bash at boomers cause i know how silly they all can get, either that or we could have slumbered it up at a hotel party. one of those two. but i think it would be stressless and easier to just not do anything for 18th? i don't knowww.
i guess it's like i'm not sad or anything, but i remember how it is to be happy, and i have to remember.
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