fucking
frustrated.
feel like a damn shadow trying to get a taste of my own sunshine.
more & more with every passing day now.
motivation &
pushing me down.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
tell me again
i've been enjoying my times being alone away from the phone and just keeping to myself. last night, i had about 3 different dreams and they all had sort of a portrayal to reality but they were all scary. phone conversation lasted about 5-10 minutes last night and i forgot what happened - but thomas said something that ticked me off, and I just kept giving him attitude. ended like: Shayna, I don't want to talk to you right now. & then Okay, bye. I put my phone from loud to vibrate, & put it under my pillow. Times like this, you're hoping that he would call or text, but at the same time, you're so tired you're glad it ended quick. But being the stubborn person I am, I would not call or text him back. I'm not going to be the first to give in - ever ... rarely. so here I am, 1pm, & no text/call. Ohwells. I'm pretty glad actually. I need to focus on myself. Been way off track with school lately. I feel like i've been in the shadows, following behind, behind in my own future. I want to be happy with myself.
our relationship, i know is great. and at this point, i have been through enough, seen enough, and read enough to know if i've got something good & i've got something great. cliche because it seems like everyone in a relationship claims that to be true - "oh, my boyfriend is the best, he does anything" well, i know that after being in horrible relationships before, i have been harsh in the beginning because i couldn't trust anyone. until you. i have complete freedom to do as i please and talk to anyone i want and then have you there waiting for me at the end of the day or any time i ask of you. you would do anything i wish or ask of you to do, run any miles through any weather. we have conversations whether or not either one of us speak. your stare makes me grin from ear to ear; your hugs make my legs feel nonexistent; when you get mad, you're so irresistable. you know what i like, what i hate, how i am. everything. but sometimes, i feel so selfish because i want to care more, or just as much as you do. i know that i'm an extremely careless person as it is, but i am also really selfish. and as selfish as i am, i want time all to myself a lot. which has made it hard to me always. i have enjoying too much of the time that i have to myself. it's because lately, i have been hard on myself. and the more i become dissappointed in myself, the more harder i make the relationship for you. so the relationship suffers because of me and my mood and more specifically .. when i procrastinate and don't meet my personal deadlines, i come to grow to hate myself and then it leads to me being angry at you because you're the nearest person i can target and trust to not leave. well, i have really been becoming to realize that this has become a problem on myself, and something needs to fix or change soon. so i know when i have a great thing, but i have to get to know myself first. and when you yourself is constantly growing and changing, it's hard to keep up with yourself.
our relationship, i know is great. and at this point, i have been through enough, seen enough, and read enough to know if i've got something good & i've got something great. cliche because it seems like everyone in a relationship claims that to be true - "oh, my boyfriend is the best, he does anything" well, i know that after being in horrible relationships before, i have been harsh in the beginning because i couldn't trust anyone. until you. i have complete freedom to do as i please and talk to anyone i want and then have you there waiting for me at the end of the day or any time i ask of you. you would do anything i wish or ask of you to do, run any miles through any weather. we have conversations whether or not either one of us speak. your stare makes me grin from ear to ear; your hugs make my legs feel nonexistent; when you get mad, you're so irresistable. you know what i like, what i hate, how i am. everything. but sometimes, i feel so selfish because i want to care more, or just as much as you do. i know that i'm an extremely careless person as it is, but i am also really selfish. and as selfish as i am, i want time all to myself a lot. which has made it hard to me always. i have enjoying too much of the time that i have to myself. it's because lately, i have been hard on myself. and the more i become dissappointed in myself, the more harder i make the relationship for you. so the relationship suffers because of me and my mood and more specifically .. when i procrastinate and don't meet my personal deadlines, i come to grow to hate myself and then it leads to me being angry at you because you're the nearest person i can target and trust to not leave. well, i have really been becoming to realize that this has become a problem on myself, and something needs to fix or change soon. so i know when i have a great thing, but i have to get to know myself first. and when you yourself is constantly growing and changing, it's hard to keep up with yourself.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)