The past.

People always say the words, "The Past" like it's a bad thing. I just spent about 15 minutes just skimming through my old posts. I love it, I can't believe I actually "left" - this feels so much more personal. Yes, there were memories in "The Past" that don't exactly bring up a smile, but they make me realize how much I'm growing. They also remind me that regardless of how much I grow, there's always that one part of me that remains the same. (Sounds a little stupid now that I just read what I typed, but it makes complete sense to me). I should go out and make my life a little more interesting than normal, huh? So I can blog all about it! :)

Strong

I have my own opinions and although I am considerate of other's as well, I will always remain grounded for what I stand for. I can care less of what others think, I've learned that nothing good comes to you for it. For some, common sense isn't common. For some, respect is something they should give to others, they forget to provide respect for themselves. For some, priorities are all shaken up in a bag, orderless.

Just random thoughts.

I want to go back to writing. Words are so beautiful, I want to lengthen my vocabulary.
But it only happens when I get stricken by a strong emotion.

I need to work on my determination for things.

I wonder if people read this.

I hate that it's Google search-able. Someone please tell me how I can make this blog non-google search-able - without making it private, I suppose.

Do you like my music playlist that I 'updated' ? Haha, notice that it's kind of like a lot of love songs. Because I have a feeling that's going to be a lot of what I will be blogging. My love life is lightweight personal to me, and so is this blog. So it goes together. Besides, love songs initiate my creative way of thinking and blogging/writing.

Love Songs and Tumblr.

Love songs and tumblr is not helping my relationship. It is making me over-analyze, over-exaggerate, and over-think. It's making me question more than I should, expect more than he can provide, fighting myself when I shouldn't. It's going to be our 2 years in a couple of weeks. This is the problem with long-term relationships - you both think you're so comfortable to the point where it's safe. Uh, no. I feel like the scripts been flipped here. Thomas thinks he can just go going around acting like he can just be the way he is! After many attempts to tell him how much I miss the way he used to look at me, or the ways he used to surprise me, after telling him numerous times that I miss our relationship when it was still a young kind of love - I still feel like things are the same. I don't even want to see him so often any more, hoping that he will miss me like crazy. I know he loves me. But I just like to be reminded.

I know that a relationship requires both people ... but I feel like I don't have the incentive to do anything or plan anything if he isn't. Relationships are hard especially when it's been a long-term one. It's harder to let go because you have established so many things, so the weaknesses and strengths of the other person. You know how they look completely natural. Haha, but all in all, it's even harder when there really isn't anything wrong. It's even more difficult when both families love the other person as well.

I ask myself a lot if I'm happy.

I ask myself a lot if this really is what love is.

All those people who are so in love but only have been together for a couple years or less. Is it because time hasn't hit them yet? Our relationship is so up and down. I tell him all I feel, but he just laughs and tells me that I think too much. And as much as I know I do, I know just as much that I can put my expectations as high as I want them to be.

I feel really selfish.

If I was to list all the bad things, the good things, the fun things that we have together in our relationship. The only bad thing would be the lack of butterflies. I am still young and I miss the adrenaline so much, so desperately. I feel like we had too many butterflies too fast in the beginning that they got tired of flying. (oh that was such a cute quote, that I felt it was necessary to put it on tumblr - except when I think I have a good quote, I never get any notes on them. haha boo).

I'm such a roller coaster with myself.
I love this boy too much. Then I'm tired of it.
I can't stop thinking about him. Then I don't want to think about him.
I want to see him, but then I see him and nothing feels significantly amazing.
I want butterflies again, but I get butterflies just thinking about the good times we always have together.

But it only happens so and so. The great cute times I mean. Every other time that we get the chance to see each other, are just good days.

This can just go on and on - so I'll probably post another blog right after publishing this one.
To be continued...
I have to go to the gym to get my mind off this for a bit. Then I shall get to studying for my last midterm tomorrow.

Blogging Again

People say that you begin to find yourself in college and I'm wondering if I really am. If I am finding myself in college, then I must say I wasn't much of a out-there kind of person. Haha, I think I'm actually a typically shy person when it comes to being around strangers. I still love talking but only with people I can just feel that comforting kind of vibe with.
But I just miss blogging. On tumblr, I can't exactly blog because it feels different. Because first off, I can't blog about my day every day because my life isn't that interesting where something amazing happens everyday. And usually when I do blog, it's on a personal level with me, as if I'm writing to myself. I feel like my tumblr is too out there to be writing personal thoughts. Tumblr is more realistically where I post good things that happen, or the cute relationship things that happen to me. And here, I feel like this is where the real shit gets written down.
I miss home.

Continued

Quickly skimming through last night's blog, I realize how many grammar mistakes I make when typing on my phone. Despite all the free time I'm having, I'm pretty sure I'm a lot busier than that I think I am. Well, to clarify - I have only had two classes today which ended at 2pm, and right now I don't THINK I have much to do, but I know once I finish blogging, I'm going to have to start studying. People weren't kidding when they told me college is all about studying. I have to study at 2 hours for one of my classes and about an hour or two for the other ones.

I'm still getting to know everyone in my hall, so that means leaving my door open when I'm inside and hanging out in the common room whenever I get the chance, lol. Still not in the comfortable spot yet where we can just go into each other's room and just sit there. I want to though - but this is only the beginning of week 2, so we'll see. Tomorrow is a meeting for this organization - Asian Pacific Student Asso. - sounds really fun :)

Thomas and I just grabbed lunch at In-n-Out because we ended our classes at the same time. Things are getting better - well he doesn't know that I've been feeling distanced, but I'm sure he has a good sense. He texted me 'I love you' last night, but I couldn't reply back to that - I don't know why, I was just being stubborn I suppose. But I woke up this morning to, "Why don't you say it back?" Anyway, as I was walking back to my hall from class, I heard this biker behind me so I kept to my right side - the biker stopped suddenly and I looked to realize it was Thomas in his cute biking gear, haha. I asked him, "How did you know it was me?" He replied, "Are you telling me I can't recognize my girlfriend of almost two years?" Yea, it was a smile worth moment :) When we were walking to find lunch, he kept telling me how much he's missed me. And because I know I've been such a downer on our relationship for the past couple of days, I asked him, "What is about me that you love so much?" He smiled and said, "I don't know, I think it's that mole on your lips." Haha, "Very funny, I wonder what about you that I hate so much." I replied back. Then we both laughed.

I think for me, it's just that I'm such a romanticist - I'm such a sucker for chick-flicks and romance that I expect Thomas to do the same for me all the time. But I don't take enough time to realize that he DOES do those little things for me almost every time we're together. He's been paying for literally everything - to the point where I don't want him to pay for anything anymore! And not only that, but yesterday, when we took our bike ride up those treacherous 5 mile hills - he slowed down every time for me, and got off his bike to help me adjust mine because he saw that I was having difficulty. Little things like how he told me, "When we get back, I'm going to fix your bike up so it'll be way easier to ride." I know that he sincerely cares, regardless of the constant attitude I've been giving him.

I take a step back and realize the situation that our relationship is in. We can constantly joke with each other whether it's making fun of each other or cussing the heck out of each other, we end up laughing afterwards. There's a lot of space given in this relationship - he hangs out with his hall mates while I'm with mine, and I'll introduce him to my friends here and he does the same. When one of us are busy with our friends, the other one just replies to have fun. No jealousy worth arguing about, and lots of trust between the two of us. I'm confident that he'll do anything for me, and why would I want to leave a good thing.  But I'm still looking forward to being surprised :(

All around me, I hear my SoCal friends just talking about how safe of a city Irvine is, but I still miss Oakland. Maybe it's my friends or my comfort of an environment that I miss most - and the food! And knowing how to go about my way to wherever I want. Haha, but this will take a while to get used to, so I'll just enjoy the days as they go by. I can't wait until December though, I know it's a long time from now! I'm just glad I have a reminder of home down here - Thomas. :) Also can't wait to plan an Ohigh dinner together.

Haha, mommy keeps texting me, so cute <3

College and more

First off, we don't have wifi in our dorms which suck, so I'm typing away on my phone because I was so desperate to lay in bed finally after a long day. But the perks of having a loving dad work in the cable field is that he wants me to have wifi so I have a router sending my way. Yes, I didn't want to blog on Tumblr anymore, I felt like it was more public than it should have been. And truth is that despite all the 'free' time college is providing me, I really don't have the time for social networking anymore.

How should I start off.

Life in SoCal is great. But I do admit I'm looking forward to cooler days. But weather-wise, it's still all new to me. I get to freely wear all my shorts and not stick out like a sore thumb. Whereas in Oakland, when the weather WAS scorching, it would feel weird to wear shorts because of the unneeded attention from perves. It's nice, but every morning I look at my reflection to realize that I'm only getting tanNER - in the showers, I see how dark my feet now are and how visible my flipflop tan has become. I can't complain though, since it's
one of the reasons why I wanted to come down here.

How is the distance doing me?
I seriously miss my family a LOT! I'm one of the lucky few who has always had the best relationship with their family - each and everyone one of them. And I miss them terribly! I'm not homesick to the point where I'm in tears. But let's just say, once I started writing my first line on the first letter I sent them, the words that simply said, "Hey Family <3 I miss you all" tears instantly rose. And since I'm now on the part where I write about me becoming emotional ... I was talking to Thomas when we were in my room and I told him, "I miss my family" while pouting, and he replied, "I know, I miss mine, too" I started super tearing up. Haha, but I know mom is having her fair share of missing me, too. She texts me about 3 times a day. Couple days ago, she texted me & after 2 passing hours of no response, she texts me again. I didn't intentionally ignore it, I'm usually not the best to reply immediately to texts. But she worries and frantically texts Thomas asking hi if I lost my phone or if I'm okay. Thomas reassures her and says not to worry because Irvine is one of the safest cities in the nation (IT REALLY IS, TOO!) So I already learned my mini lesson of replying to mom when she texts me. Every night since, I have been messaging her mini summaries of my day and she does the same :) According to her texts, seems like my DAD has been around helping a lot more now. I think he feels like he needs to fill in my spot. Hehe. Which is good because he's rarely home, and now I hear he is fixing the roof, mopping the house, & more hopefully. I don't know if Tyven misses me though, I think he's enjoying me not being there to nag him. Hm, grandparents really miss me, I called home and my grandma's voice was like a burst of sunshine, she told me that she's sending me MONKEY BALM & SALONPAS incase I don't feel well. Lol, I told her it's going to stink up my entire hall. Grandma told me that Sugar misses me as well, she runs straight to my room every day she returns home from work with my grandparents.

If I was on my laptop, I'd be able to type much more, haha. But let me try to continue.
Everything is really chill. People are so nice, and it's so easy being friendly. I've met people waiting for class, met people on the treadmills, meeting people at events, down my hall, in my building, meeting people in my lectures - everywhere. I don't know what I really expected from my first week here, but it's hard to feel like this is all permanent. Feels like I'm doing orientation for school. Why are people so nice here! Even the people serving us food are all smiles.

My roommate is great, she's really nice and embarrassingly funny like me. Haha, she buys food and says she'll cook for me, lol. She says one of the things that make her happy is when people like the food she cooks, HEEEEYY! :) I can also be completely myself around her, too. When I need quiet time, she's quiet. And when we feel like being loud, we sing together (she's a chorus singer so she definitely has a better voice) but she have the same taste in music, she knows how to rap to Chris Brown, lol. We both can also sleep under any circumstance and wake up when we have to. She doesn't mind me going through 10 outits to did the right one either lol. Overall, I'm glad to have a great roommie!

My hallmates are great too! Still in the process of getting comfortable with each other, but I've played pool and ping pong with them - and we have lots of movie nights together. Everyone says hi to everyone and it's just a way too friendly place. I've already taken my first college shot on the third floor lol, and one was enough for now.

College is going to need a LITTLE more time to get used to but I can really sense the whole independence thing going on. Waking up whenever, sleeping in whenever. Bringing whoever into your room whenever, haha. My roommate who is Vivian btw, left for the weekend to go home to get things she forgot and told me, "Hey Shayna! When I go home, you and Thomas can do whatever!" HAHA, I laughed when she told me that bc I wasn't expecting it but I replied, "Yea Vivian! Don't worry, I'll let you in on all the dirty details!" Lol, it was just a funny moment. Thomas and I hung out of course, but I know the previous blog is now making you all wonder. I'll probably write a separate blog on that next time when I'm on my laptop.

I know I have a lot more to blog about, but it'll be on here sooner than you know! I haven't taken many pictures yet but I want to get to know everybody before I snap away! My first class is at 12pm :) which is awesome. I have so much to blog about! (some being unnecessary facts) but there's no such thing as unnecessary when it come to me blogging, right? Haha, I don't even know what I'm writing right now. But next time!

Things change.

My experience so far (3 days) have been wonderful. I haven't fully yet been able to get used to the fact that I'm here as a permanent student. I came here knowing for a fact that I was going to concentrate on my studies and get involved with some clubs - and so far, I'm in the right track. I love my roommate, we have so many things in common, and nothing is overwhelming at all. Gee, I think she's actually just as cheery and as nice as I am! Getting in the process of meeting my hall mates (the people down the hall) and also hanging out in the 'living room'. Just came back from playing pool with the guys and watching tv with the girls. Something that really worries me now though is my relationship with Thomas. Like, since the middle of summer, it's not gone unnoticed that we're entirely too comfortable with each other. To the point where we, well, I - until the point where I just start to not take interest in certain things he says. We have always been super blunt with each other, and I have straight up told him during summer that "I miss the butterflies you used to give me, the surprises you used to present to me." I know that this is what a long relationship brings us, but really? We're not even married yet, why aren't we taking the effort to still show each other the same strong feelings that we have for one another. I'm still so young, I want to know that these are the years where I can feel great and that tingly cutesy feeling. I hate to admit it, but a lot of you probably thought right. That college does make things different. And no, I'm definitely not overwhelmed by new guys, no no. If anything, I'm far away from dating again. I actually don't know how all these long relationship find a way to me. It's just killing me, because I know I love this guy (Thomas, lol). But there's a point where everyone stops trying. My thoughts do get ahead of me a lot, but it's like our relationship is like a rope that is slowly losing it's strength - it's stretching further and we're trying to hold it together now (or I am, because I'm not sure that he knows I'm still feeling like this). But so far, we're definitely having the space to hang out with our new friends, and the time to have lunch/dinner with each other - which is great. It's a so close, but yet so far kind of thing going on. Overall, I really love this guy, we have a great friendship and regardless of whatever happens, I'm positive there's always going to be that special something. All I'm asking if for us to feel like we're falling in love again. Yes, AWWW. Haha. (We  were walking together today, and I leaned onto his shoulder; immediately, I said, "Thomas, you smell like home." it was a good feeling.)

I know my parents super miss me, and I know my grandparents miss me even more. It's only been 4 days! I've been gone longer than this, but I know it's the whole realization that they're not going to see me until December! I called home today. Well first, I called mom then hung up, because I wanted to talk to her when I got to my room. But she called me back and left me a voicemail. Somewhere in that voicemail, I heard, "What's wrong?" in her concerned mother voice and it made me want to tear up so badly. Anyway, I called her back so she wouldn't worry. When I got to my room, I called home right away. My grandpa didn't know who was calling at first, so he gave it to my grandma. Once she heard me voice, you can just tell that she was excited! I think she's actually got a couple things packaged and heading my way, lol.

I have to get to writing my letters, soon :) to the family and bff.

I'm back

Yea, the tumblr thing didn't really cut it for me. I guess I'm more of a bit on the personal side of blogging, and I felt as those Tumblr was a bit TOO public? Well, I hope you all know what I mean by that.

Temporarily left Blogger as a high school student and now I am in college! UC Irvine <3

Sorry blogspot but tumblr is so cool! lol