HEY MARCHH BABY!

I'm so excited for March, not only because it's my birthday month, but I think it is opening a new refreshing time for me. I have a lot of expectations for myself from this point. Thanks Joanna for coming over today, it was really nice, it would have been an extremely another gloomy sunday for me. You are super appreciated ;D Baked like HELLUH cookies, i TOLD you i got you girl. Lol

I also think I am super happy because I got 4 scholarships done in 5 days. wrote 3 essays in 3 days, haha. & am only going to push myself further at it. & again, it's all thanks to joanna for being on my ass & helping me even when she knows i hate asking people for help.

& since ALL my piercings except my main pair of ear piercings closed since volleyball season, i'm excited to turn 18 & get a "un-normal, not-usually-i-would-get" kind of piercing. maybe get my belly repierced since that closed because of volleyball also.

i'm just in a super cheery mood, because i have stepped out of my depression state of mind. :( don't want to go there again, i felt so alone for the past couple of weeks. and now, I can't wait to go running tomorrow afterschool and tuesday because the rain will be temporarily subsided.

& i still don't know what to do for my birthday, if i am going to throw one.

AND i'm going to dye my hair now (: afraid to screw that up, lol haven't dyed my hair in so long.

Fake Dimple, HAHA! - can't wait to look at THESE pictures like 10 years from now and laugh at each other.

***also haven't spent much time with the boyfriend. need a date night.

closure

being entirely so caught up with my own duties has left a distance in our relationship & twerks my relationship with school. i love reality but at the same time, it drives me to such an angry point. today at work, we just had a near 45 minute conversation about how fucked up the world is. that as americans, we're being consistently brainwashed. from the celebrity gossip everyone is so caught up on, from the harsh judgement we place on our appearances, and to the decisions such as what to eat or what to do during your free are all planned. i mean, why do you think organic foods are so expensive & fast food is so cheap. why do our radio stations prefer to talk about which celebrity is hooking up with who instead of talking about the revolutions going on in the other parts of the world. being in the world of high school, everyone cares about themselves, & i admit to thinking in that criteria also. but it's not whether we're out there helping the world, it's whether or not we're aware and being responsible for the choices we make - are we splurging on indulgences because we want to "keep up" with trends or are we doing it because it's healthier and better for us. i don't know where i'm going, but i know that when we were at work, we had an incredible conversation about the puppets america has transfixed us to be. i mean, i don't even get it.
i love work, i love aypal. i hate school.
i am focused on my future & i know how i want to raise my kids. i respect my parents and am definitely growing to understand that materialistic things are the least of concerns. it took me five hours just to refold and organize my clothes in my closet. the amount of clothes i had blown me away. hella shit still had tags on, and i only wore a handful of them only once. thinking how every item cost me over 5-10$ a piece, made me really disappointed.
the more time i spend to myself, the more i love doing so. i just can't wait for the weather to brighten & warm up so i can begin running again. or next month when the boy's volleyball starts & i get to condition with them.
overall, i'm more aware of my emotions and the reasons behind the way i'm acting.

oh & anna b., if you happen to see this, today you made me hella about to cry, too. because i feel the exact same way. very much the same.

unhappy. not happy. i'm not happy.

I agree with

fucking
frustrated.
feel like a damn shadow trying to get a taste of my own sunshine.
more & more with every passing day now.
motivation &
pushing me down.

note to self

stop cutting my hair

tell me again

i've been enjoying my times being alone away from the phone and just keeping to myself. last night, i had about 3 different dreams and they all had sort of a portrayal to reality but they were all scary. phone conversation lasted about 5-10 minutes last night and i forgot what happened - but thomas said something that ticked me off, and I just kept giving him attitude. ended like: Shayna, I don't want to talk to you right now. & then Okay, bye. I put my phone from loud to vibrate, & put it under my pillow. Times like this, you're hoping that he would call or text, but at the same time, you're so tired you're glad it ended quick. But being the stubborn person I am, I would not call or text him back. I'm not going to be the first to give in - ever ... rarely. so here I am, 1pm, & no text/call. Ohwells. I'm pretty glad actually. I need to focus on myself. Been way off track with school lately. I feel like i've been in the shadows, following behind, behind in my own future. I want to be happy with myself.
our relationship, i know is great. and at this point, i have been through enough, seen enough, and read enough to know if i've got something good & i've got something great. cliche because it seems like everyone in a relationship claims that to be true - "oh, my boyfriend is the best, he does anything" well, i know that after being in horrible relationships before, i have been harsh in the beginning because i couldn't trust anyone. until you. i have complete freedom to do as i please and talk to anyone i want and then have you there waiting for me at the end of the day or any time i ask of you. you would do anything i wish or ask of you to do, run any miles through any weather. we have conversations whether or not either one of us speak. your stare makes me grin from ear to ear; your hugs make my legs feel nonexistent; when you get mad, you're so irresistable. you know what i like, what i hate, how i am. everything. but sometimes, i feel so selfish because i want to care more, or just as much as you do. i know that i'm an extremely careless person as it is, but i am also really selfish. and as selfish as i am, i want time all to myself a lot. which has made it hard to me always. i have enjoying too much of the time that i have to myself. it's because lately, i have been hard on myself. and the more i become dissappointed in myself, the more harder i make the relationship for you. so the relationship suffers because of me and my mood and more specifically .. when i procrastinate and don't meet my personal deadlines, i come to grow to hate myself and then it leads to me being angry at you because you're the nearest person i can target and trust to not leave. well, i have really been becoming to realize that this has become a problem on myself, and something needs to fix or change soon. so i know when i have a great thing, but i have to get to know myself first. and when you yourself is constantly growing and changing, it's hard to keep up with yourself.

a lot of times, i'm afraid.

Grandma's cooking

everyday, regardless of what condition everything is in - mood, health, weather, I know I can count on my grandma being by the stove and kitchen sink when I step into the house. she wakes up in the early morning to do her morning walk, then after returning home and freshens up, she stays and manages the store for 8 hours. When she comes home, she takes off her shoes and heads STRAIGHT to the kitchen to cook. her hardwork amazes me and has deeply impacted me the older I got and the more understanding I can get out of it.

but to go straight to the mouthwatering taste of the authentic Cambodian dishes she cooks every night for the whole family will blow anyone's taste buds away. I was talking to dad a couple of days ago and he went off on how being a cook at a restaurant was the first job my grandma had when she came from Cambodia. Turns out my grandma was the head-cook at Phnomh Penh Restaurant (you can still find in Chinatown) before she quit to help my grandpa manage the video/Cambodian jewelry, clothes, decoration store they have now.

so to speak, as I'm typing this right now, my Grandma is cooking something that smells amazing. I keep walking into the kitchen to see when everything will be prepared. Lingering around.

my friends know it. the one's that have stayed over for dinner, I know they love her cooking <3 and if you don't believe me, invite yourself over & you'll fall head over heels for her food, too.

& to know how stupid I am when I go out to eat for dinner at times, when I know there's better food at home.

* dinner time, peace!

mumblejumble

taught me to look at the brighter side of things

more appreciative of what's not happening to be

to give my all in anything I do, be sincere and blunt with what I say to others

you make me love those who matter in my life and

you've taught me how beautiful it is to be alone knowing a huge heart is awaiting

money is not happiness, insecurity is pointless and time wasting

a thousand different paths will lead you to the future you want if you make it happen

so don't make life-altering decisions too quickly

take chances

& don't think twice ... before anything since regret is only an anchor

holding you down

S.S.

school sucks.
this weather is going to suck. it's hella cold. it seems like i've been having a cold for about 3 weeks now, no biggie, just boogers dripping and sneezing a lot in the morning is all. i've been pretty out of it again, too. need to get more sleep into my system and more homework needing to be done. my mood has been really bi-polar a lot, to the point where i don't even know how i'm going to feel. sometimes, i'd enjoy talking to all my friends and some times, I just don't feel like talking at all. every day, i laugh with thomas, yell at thomas, get annoyed at thomas, and fall for thomas all over again; summarizing that, things are good with the boyfrand. it's fun just hanging out. I like not having facebook, because I feel so detached from the people at school, why would I need to feel like I know them because of facebook? winterball night was fun, i really enjoyed nights like what we did at applebee's, just talking and laughing & continue talking about anything. as much as i'm excited to leave and go to college, i admit that i AM afraid to lose a lot of this. i don't know where my relationship with thomas will be headed but i'm ready for it to go through rocky roads, and i am definitely prepared to face situations where it seems like i've never met some of my friends anymore because of all the time and changes that will pass us by. it's so sad for me to be thinking about these things so soon, but i know graduation is around the corner and it's fucking scary. and another thing, i've been cussing a bit lot lately, especially at thomas and when i'm explaining something to joanna, but like i mentioned in the beginning - mood changes!

i always knew i didn't like 'competitive' swimming, like i only enjoyed swimming if it was for fun. and i do feel a bit guilty for making mom buy me a new swimsuit but it's okay because it's from costco and it's affordable and i love it because it looks nice on me, so ^.^ hm, also, i promised myself to run at least 2x a week around the lake and I was really looking forward to running this week but the weather kills everything. I bought new running shoes, hahaa motivation to run i suppose (=

i also recently realized that i love tlaking to strangers, thomas says that's why weird men always try to talk to me and as much as i would like to deny that, i would like to assume that everyone is a good person before i realize they're not rather than vice versa. my weekend with mom gone & me with more freedom with bussing & staying out late has led me to encounter having conversations with a LOTTT of strangers, but it's okay, i'm still alive and not raped or anything *knock on wood because you know, the thought of something happening to me at the flash of a second is really scary. but yeas, i love having conversations with people with a huge happy heart, i love it so much. all the bitter people in the world that always seem to have attitudes need to go fucking hide in the corner and stop spreading that misery or something. we all know life sucks, but just be willing to lighten up i suppose.

Valentine's Day

Today was hectic - which wasn't surprising since it was Valentine's Day. It wasn't the best weekend when it came to sleep for me so when I slept late Sunday to realize that I needed to wake up at 6:30am to buy the flowers, I was completely drained and my mind was going everywhere. I asked Ms. Dellefield if I can have my officers take turns to work on the flowers & she told me to stay during first to do it. I didn't want my officers to miss class, so I just did 'em. But so & so began to trickle in & sooner than I realized, we had a lot of calculus cutters helping me. Ended up staying & working with who-ever came by to say they wanted to help. Basically, I have learned to not make anyone miss class if they didn't need to and over the course of 2-3 class periods, everything was done. Although I feel like senior year has been the best year with fund-raising, it's been the worst for me. I don't even understand - it is because my officers are a little settled in their mini-cliques that it's different? I mean, I try to talk to them about what's going on but I feel like they often send me a message that they'd rather be doing something ELSE. I know they reassure me that they're willing to do anything I ask but my own problem is that i DON'T KNOW how to ask. & i know I need to work on that. Sometimes, I expect too much & sometimes I'm not given enough. I don't want anything half-assed. I want things PERFECT - & though that's my own damn problem, there's a lot of things that require common sense or at least like, stop thinking about YOURSELF.Well, I never make it to CSF yearbook pictures and what-not because I', always busy or I forget. Well this time, I didn't forget. I just had to stay and sell flowers @ lunch. I'm not complaining, but I wanted to be in a group picture for once. I let my officers go & I stayed to sell with Noelle - we had a nice talk, I missed her quite a lot.

Um, got everything done. Thomas sucks as surprises & although I have to admit that I knew he was going to give me flowers because I caught him writing a slip, I was surprised that he would buy me a bouquet of roses. Fast forward to after-school. Thomas had a soccer game so I urged him to go while I plan my part of the surprise. I waited for the 18 for so long. For an hour, a fucking hour. I've been getting really pissed at the 18 bus a lot lately because SO many people wait for it and it takes HELLA long. Well, I've come to decide that I would rather WALK. I waited at the 18 for a while because I had an umbrella and one of my classmate didn't have one & she was waiting in the rain so I stayed with her as I sheltered her from the rain & we just talked for an hour, she's such a cool girl, a girl that I don't think I would have ever gotten to know at school.

Got off at Walgreens because I was planning to be unoriginal and buy some Valentine cupcakes. But I stopped and went to order like $30 of Church's Chicken instead because I know Thomas loves to eat chicken, lol & that he eats a LOT especially after soccer. Then I waited for the 14 to go to Thomas'. Ran into some cool people at the bus & ended up getting off the bus with this boy that was like my age & we talked about how rude the bus driver was (RUDEST DRIVER EVER! - im not even going to write about it) & turns out his house was the one with the meanest dog that always barks @ me & thomas. I asked what the dog's name was (Rufus) - when I walked by, I called the dog & it didn't bark at me! hahha ..

Got into Thomas' house because I have the keys to his little house & got to my main part of the surprise - CLEANING HIS ROOM! that shitpile is a fucking shit pile, lol. Like a whole family of dust bunnies and clothes EVERYWHERE, it was insane. I cleaned Shayna style because I had to rush before Thomas came home. Stuffed everything in piles, swept, fixed his bed, hung up his clothes. THEN! his little brother comes in & for a second I think it's Thomas & he was like OH SHIT! haaha, so adorable. I told him I was surprising Thomas & cleaning his room & he said good luck. Then the dad walks in & asks if I needed a vacuum, haha. He was headed to pick up T, so I told him to drive extra slow. Then he asks if he should tell thomas & i said NO! blahblablahblabh, I hear Thomas and his dad return & and close the door to this room so when he enters his little house/kitchen part, I keep thinking shit what do I do? Sit on the bed, stand up, wave, smile? haha, i stood there so when he opened his room door, he saw how CLEAN it was! His face was a complete light bulb. Apparently! His dad told him I was over right when they got out the car T_T" but as long as he didn't tell him I cleaned his room. We ate, watch movie, talked, laughed, la la la ;D It was a lovely night that calmed everything down.

really long overly detailed blog, i know

I told my mom that when I grow up and have my first apartment, I am going to decorate it vintage-ly beautiful & that I want a white-based chandelier & 2 big fluffy dogs. I also told her that I wasn't going to want to marry until I was like 45 because I want to have a a fun life. First, she laughed and told me I wasn't going to be able to afford any decorations after purchasing my apartment and then she said good luck with cleaning up after the dogs cause apparently 1 big dog = 5 kids (exaggeration) & lastly, she laughed and said I wasn't going to be able to have any kids at 45. I love my mom but I love fantasizing my fun future with any one willing to listen. I have huge hopes.

Media

I have never really been into actors on tv but these men they have in movies are so MMMmmMM! i told thomas that ashton kutcher was absolutely amazing in No Strings Attached & he said it was all Scripted! Lol, I was laughing but I told him he can learn a thing or two.

Photo Summary

i was admiring my lashes - these are real! & ignore the chapped lips, thomas lost his so he took mine >;o

Mom looks like an Anime character - her hair gives me inspiration to grow mine! & the 7up ruined this pic. lol

I like the angle that this was taken of me, I don't do good with close-ups. Too bad Sugar wasn't looking.

She isn't much of a camera dog but this picture is pretty Pretty!

A failed attempt to do some creative shadow poses.

Family Time

This weekend, I spent a hell lot of time with my mommy. Well, on Friday after school - I was wondering what to do before dinner. Wanted to go shopping but because mom just HAD to disable her phone (because she thought she lost it but my dad accidentally took it) so I had to stay near. Went to auntie's house & had a big dinner & hung out with the cousins <3 I'm so afraid every time we do a big family gathering about how it will be in the future because I can recall times where family gatherings seemed to be entirely filled with all my cousins - basically, everyone's growing up & my older cousins are usually busy nowadays. The kids are all glued to their iTouches & everythang. I keep vowing to myself to keep my own children away from technology - though that will be some kind of absurd idea later. The following day - I woke up early and just got ready. Hung out at Berkeley with mom & ty - then went to play with Sugar by Harbor Bay - absolutely loved the sunset & the weather. Grabbed sushi to go & redboxed. blahblah nothing as exciting to blog.

But one thing I've got to say is that I'm in my earrings phase AGAIN & am definitely keeping an eye out for some eye-catching ones. Tahahe.Anyway, Thomas sprained his ankle playing basketball yesterday so I sropped by for like 45 minutes to see how he was doing. We ended up going to Walgreens to get him an ankle brace but I ditched him to find my dry shampoo, lol. & other wanted necessities. I keep telling him to stop exaggerating but I think he's really in pain but it's cute seeing him limp - he's so helpless >:] that boy got a handful of red envelopes this year, & Valentine's Day is around the corner! so he better .... :)

Dad just came home and I know he was rooting for the Steelers because he told me this morning or SOMETHING, but I asked him if he was sad lol. But he said No because apparently he changed his bets? I have no idea how it works but right now he's watching a documentary on monkeys lol. They're so UGLY! omg..

This weekend was a lot of family time. From waking up to sleeping. & i love it but I need to find me some Shayna time SOON.

P.S. i LOVE coupons, sales, flea market, and freebies ;D

P.S.

Hi Joanna-Bby! <3 <3 <3 ^.^

Winter Snowdays

It's been a ritual for me & my cousins to go snowboarding every year & this year was like a couple's run. Haha, Thomas' first time & he's really good at it already. Can't wait to go again some time soon. We went on Monday - I believe Martin Luther King's Day. Five hours of boarding - soreness!

My day

Stayed home today because of Lunar New Year's. So since Lily's birthday ended late last night, staying home was nice. I woke up at 9:30 because sleeping in kills me inside. Made some oatmeal and made hot tea. I had to finish up that supplementary question for UCLA & I didn't realize how hard it is to write about yourself or in this case, myself. I don't even know anymore if all this questions shit is good or bad - fuckitttss. So I worked on that all fcuking day shitshitshit. I was going to go to school for 6th but decided not to since I didn't finish the answer yet. I think I ate too much chocolate today, too but oweellls. Took the bus with my brother & had to transfer from the 1R to the 18.

On the 18 bus going to Oakland High, there weren't many seats. So I sat down on the chair facing the back, so it was like I was sitting back to back against the first row. Well anyway, my brother had to stand, so he stood there in the aisle thaang. At so & so stops where people had to get off, he had to move to the front also to let them pass. The black lady that was sitting behind me said something to him & at first I didn't know until Tyven told me. He said she told him to sit down - but this was no polite way. I turned & she was talking to herself, saying some shit like "Damn you stupidass sit down, fucking asshole". I was like fuck no this lady got some problems. I turned around & was like "Why don't you shut up and mind your own business, he's not even knocking into you" & she kept mumbling pretty loudly! She kept saying "Sit the fuck down" By that time, we reached our stop. My brother walked through the back exit but i walked up to her & was like "Lady, you got some problems. At least you're fucking sitting. I'm sure you wouldn't get the fuck up". Then walked off the bus. Yeah, I surprised myself - but I was already pissed off at this Mexican guy that kept calling me baby baby then I was walking to the 1R. When my brother waited for the light to turn green, the bus passed & she stuck the middle finger at me! Oh fuck no. I swear, people have poles up their asses every fucking day or something.

Went to school, went to Moreno's class & he seemed really cool to see me even though I didn't go to his class. Lol, I was like it was Chinese New Year's & he was all like "Why Chinese New Year's? It's not ONLY Chinese" And Lunar was what I meant to say but I was just talking really fast. Then he's going to say "Aren't you part Vietnamese, too?" Lol, I was like Yeas, there's a bit of Viet in me. Haha, but I love his class because the whole class always jokes around with each other like that. Like yesterday about the Green Card joke, haha!

Grabbed my books, took the 18 to Chinatown to go to the bank; everything was closed but I loved how everyone was wearing red. Was waiting at the bus stop by Lincoln to wait for the 1R to drop off my books at my grandparent's shop. Saw Ervin at the bus stop & we talked for a good 10-15 minutes until this homeless man came up to us. He was wearing a jacket that was zipped open & wasn't wearing a shirt, he was drunk or SOMETHING, but he was also on cruthes, had an amputated leg. Anyway, he was talking to us - didn't understand him then he left. not long afterwards this ASIAN MAN comes up. Mumbles something to himself as he checks the bus time. & so here I am sitting on the bench by Ervin & there were hella people around. this man stands HELLA close to me & i turn away to keep talking to Ervin. The man laters asks if I'm Filipino & I said I'm Chinese while Ervin happily claims that he's the Filipino one. I could feel this dude keep staring at me & in my head i'm like "fuck off". THEN! he starts saying that My clothes look really nice & I have a really nice body in chinese. & That's when I'm like Ohmyfuckinggod. I tell Ervin & we move to the other side. My bus comes & I go to grandparent's store.

Wait for Thomas to get me, & we head to wingstop for a quick bite for our anniversary. Then headed home afterwards.

Sigh, what a fucking day. Ohyeh - today I was so happy to get my supplementary questions finished and ready for revision for UCLA then UC Irvine sends me asking for them, too. Is this shit new or something - I hope with everything that it's only going to benefit me & I try to not say so much about it because I'm scared as hell. Except I don't know how many times I could say it & to how many people - I know a lot of people are afraid. But I'm so .. afraiddd.

Happy Anniversary to me & my boo - 15 months.
It's been a ride - like driving down by the beach in a convertible with the top down. Had our lovely times with good weather but when the rain hit, it wasn't pleasant.

Decided not to go to school today especially if my mom was going to ask if I wanted to go to school then of course my answer would be no! Last night was Lily's birthday party & it was fun except for the fact that it was on a school night - because it made everything seemed to go by so fast. Went straight there after work with JennyL. so we only had 10 minutes to change and everythingggg. 

Happy Lunar New Years <3 Family time. Can't wait to pass out redenvelopes friday night! Got to get going on writing that answer to the supplementary questions that have been biting my butt for the past couple of days.

P.S. High school sux

Senior Portrait

Haha, my first thought when I saw it was NOOooo. My right eye's eyelashes look funky, taaahh -_- First time wearing falsies, too. Lol, but anyway - i hope it'll look better in the yearbook!